Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
