I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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