This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
