You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
