I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
