Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
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Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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