I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
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I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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