I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
