You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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