My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
