i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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