I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
