I think my fart just growled at me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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