Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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