If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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