I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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