I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His nipple licking is glorious
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