I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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