Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
