i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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