We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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