Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
