my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
