So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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