My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
