Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
