My hand turned me down
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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