youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need a beard to bite.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
