Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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