He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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