I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
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The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
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My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Pooping to opera.
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