I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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