So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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