News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
