Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
