Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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