fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
