Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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