Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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