I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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