yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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