Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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