Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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