You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
