i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
