I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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