literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
