Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
