My liver just broke up with me...
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
