I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
