best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
