I could have mohawked her pubes.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
