Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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