my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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