hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
