he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
