I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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