So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
