the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
